Alarm does NOT go off! I roll over to look at my alarm clock. 10:37am. oooh boy. I get up and quickly get dressed. As I leave, the house phone rings. It's P. saying she "just wanted to see if you were around" in a sing song manner. Ugh. You know when your office gives a wake up call, you have a problem. Right outside the store is a baby bird, at least 100 feet from any kind of habitable area, struggling to get inside the store to complain about how long it takes to fax documents and then shit on the floor, like so many of our customers. While this will not be a reasonable excuse for being two hours late to work, it will definitely provide an excellent distraction. I put the bird in a box, write "DO NOT EAT" on the outside, and bring it to the warehouse, hoping none of the Filipinos in the back have it for lunch. Back in the Philippines, they eat house lizards and baby mice alive, so I wouldn't consider birds off of the menu.
The bird looks mildly healthy, can't stand for shit, but I figure that's what a 12 foot drop might do to a baby bird's legs. So I raise a gimp, big deal. I figured that since the thing's own mother didn't want it, I would name him Parsley. Parsley is that little sprig of nothing that is thrown away on everyone's dinner plate when dining out, which I felt was fitting. As I take it home after work, I begin to get excited about having a wild animal as a pet. Illusions of me being this "bird man of Alcatrez" fill my head. Or teaching this Blue Jay to find me walking down the street and drop the house keys I left at home into my hand. A tip of the cap to my friend Parsley as I impress one of the MANY fashion models traipsing all over town so much that they feverishly make out with me in front of little children before their mothers cover their eyes. What a bird.
It was getting late and I began thinking "If I were a baby bird, what would I eat?". So I headed over to Stop and Shop to pick up a turkey baster, some baby food, and an eye dropper. Parsley ate the baby food right up. The only thing he didn't like was an eyedropper of water shoved down his throat. Go figure. But Parsley had to have been thirsty after sitting in a cardboard box all day, I thought. I know what's best for him. Squeeeeeeeeeze.
I forgot that the second there is an ounce of sunlight, birds will start to chirp. So 5am hit, and even though Parsley was in a shit stained box, he hobbled around frantically chirping as he bumped into the sides of the box. This was NOT happening. I threw a towel over the box and he shut right up. Back to sleep. I fed Parsley before going to work and didn't get home until much later that night. Parsley looked.....alright I guess. Kind of gurgling a little as he breathed. He appeared hungry and opened his mouth, but would quickly fall asleep after doing so which left this glob of baby food between his beak. Narcolepsy, I figured. I've seen this a million times in my friend Burke. I've got a Burke for a bird. I got online and thought that maybe I should find out how others cared for their baby birds. All of the directions said not to squeeze water into the bird's mouth, but to dip their beak in a small dish so that they knew where to find water if they wanted it. Uh oh. I go over and kick the box that Parsley is in. He's not looking so hot. As a matter of fact, he's laying on his side. I put him into the nest I made him, which consists of a Chobani yogurt cup wrapped in a dirty sock, and go to sleep. The next morning, the Parse man was a lifeless lump. He hadn't moved from the position I left him in last night. I leave him in the box for one more day, partly to make sure the bird wasn't like half dead but mostly because I didn't have the time to bury the thing. But sure as shit the bird still didn't move an inch.
There is a lesson to be learned here somewhere. Maybe don't try to be nature's personal doctor if you have no clue what the fuck you're doing? Maybe do research BEFORE deciding what you think is best for a defenseless animal? If it was a human baby, would it have faired any better? Granted, I wouldn't have kept a baby in a shit stained box with a sock covered yogurt cup, but I can honestly say that I'm not sure after this experience.